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Blah Blah Blah and Then Some

Sanity Is Overrated

February 18th, 2008

Writer's Block: It's Hard to Describe @ 02:43 am

Current Mood: indescribable indescribable

Hardest struggle is my feelings towards my mother. She passed away 16 years ago and I have yet to resolve our ambiguous relationship. Alot of hurts and feelings left unsaid; alot of regrets; and alot of wasted time.
Motherhood, indeed, is not an easy task. With that notion in mind, I often wonder what and how my children express their feelings about me.

February 9th, 2008

Writer's Block: Chinese New Year @ 05:32 am

2008 is the Year of the Rat. Which animal year were you born in?
Born in year of rabbit. 


January 18th, 2008

What Do You Have To Say? - A Profound Impact @ 10:41 am

Who has had a profound musical impact?
 I was fortunate to have a magnificent and inspiring music professor during my freshman year in college.
The name of the professor eludes me but the course speaks for itself : Music  Appreciation.
Prior to college, I was bored and had no knowledge about the classics.  It was never a factor  in my listening style nor my music collection.
But during and after the course, I  developed a deep and profound liking to classical music.  It's now part of my eclectic collection.  It is also  a stress and tension reliever.  Sort of a therapist without the high fee.  Good remedy for sleep too !
The professor would demonstrate, with gusto, on the piano various pieces from notable composers and then some.  He taught me and the class how to distinguish major and minor notes which were helpful tools.
In closing, thank you professor for Bach, Beethovan, Mozart, and other  musical geniuses.  And that is music to my ears  :-)

January 14th, 2008

Maternally Yours @ 06:31 am

Current Mood: guilty guilty
Current Music: All By Myself

Thoughts of my role as a mother often occur.   I don't think I am or was a good mother.  Yet I love my children very, very much.  They are grown and each live in opposite coasts.  I've been in the empty nest syndrome for the past 10 years and have yet to overcome the void.  I keep reliving the precious memories of my daughter and son growing up years and the good, and the bad, times we had.   They have opposite personalities yet have a considerable close relationship.  Since the divorce, my son  chose to live with my ex and we've been estranged.   I have yet to reconnect with him in any way despite phone calls and letters.   I do sent cards on special occasions and usually enclose monetary gifts.   His reaction...rather his non-reaction, is heart-breaking.  During the earlier years post divorce, I would cry endlessly; make phone calls without any response with only the answering machine reminding me I'm not welcome.  My therapist has and still helps me through the difficult times.  I have come to terms with the relationship but continue to cry or become tearful when I think about him. Many  things and places remind me of him, and even as far as seeing his name in print, ie movie credits, novels, etc.  Crazy, eh?!  
My daughter is exceptionally intelligent.  She's married and seems to have an active lifestyle and with a loving husband.  She lives on the opposite coast and I don't see her as much I would like.  I often think I've failed her emotionally because I long for a closer mother-daughter relationship.   She's not one to ventilate her feelings to me and our conversations tend to be superficial.  When we do talk about deep emotional issues, she becomes uncomfortable and consequently our conversations cease.  I wish I know how to reach out to her without compromising our tenuous relationship.  She's my first-born and hold a very special place in my heart.  
Maybe I should've been childless.  I could've channel my maternal feelings in other ways, like teaching, child-care, etc.   Being a 24/7 mother can be rewarding but not without heart-felt worries, hurts, upheavels and so on.  And being depressed, since childhood, didn't help.  I cheated them in many ways emotionally and physically.  If I could amend the damages, I would in a heart beat.  But life isn't wishful thinking.  
And to add insult to my mental health, I have early onset of atypical Alzheimers.  My children, naturally, have different reactions..  My daughter hardly talks about the disorder with me.  When I bring up the subject in one form or another, she avoids any input/feedback.  I don't know if she's afraid it's hereditary or prefer to  dismiss it.  My son knows because I informed him by writting him a long and detailed letter.   How much he understands is beyond me.  I did voiced my fear that I won't see him again before I'm gone and even if we do meet, I'll be in the advanced stage of the disease.  
I have magical thinking that one day, my son will phone or write me.  We'll resume our relationship.  I miss our laughing until our stomach hurts.  I miss his sarcasm.  I miss our marathon backgammon days  which he always win.  I miss our outings to places that suited our fancies at the moment.  I miss his sensitivity.  But most of all, I miss him.  
I have to reality check that my daughter has her own life.   Busy with work and lifestyle.  In fact, I envy her.  
She was a great source in caring for her brother during his infant and toddler years.  I was ridden with post-postem depression that prevented adequate functioning.   I am eternally thankful and grateful for her help and maturity beyond years during my times of despair.
Do I feel guilty raising my kids?  Sure do.   I could only ask for forgiveness but doubt the forgetting is a certain.  Memories  are embedded too deep for to forget.
I would like to "redeem" my ineptness and weaknesses.    I do rely on the Serenity Prayer in answer to my daunting need.  It helps as other ways do not.   Finding solace is a solitary battle for.
I hope that one day, either child or both will tell me "you did your best" and that would be my absolutuion. 


January 12th, 2008

What Do You Have To Say? - I'm Taking It With Me @ 04:41 am

If you lived on a deserted island and could only have one photograph, which one would it be?

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What Do You Have To Say? - I'm Taking It With Me @ 04:19 am

Current Mood: nostalgic nostalgic
Current Music: You Are the Sunshine of My Life

How do you respond when someone asks to take your picture?
There's one particular photograph that I adore and is endearing.  It's a photo of my children when they were younger at ages 7 and 1.  My daughter, who was 7 at the time, had ponytails and had a protective pose with her brother who was 1 yr. old.  He had his infamous wide-eyed smile.  EVerytime I look at the photo, I become very sentimental.  I miss those years and wish I could re-live those days.  Both are grown now and I've been with the empty nest syndrome for years.  My dgt. lives 3000 mi away while I have an estranged relationship with my son, a situation that is heart-breaking.  Things have sure changed .   At best, I have the photo for memories. 

 No way !  I usually decline but somehow he/she always insist and I have to say yes relunctantly.  The camera seems to add pounds and I hate every photograph of me.  I do, however, like to photograph others, landscapes, animals, etc.   
I have fewer and fewer pictures of me as every year.   I don't like my image and my best friend tells me I'm too harsh on myself and have a distorted self-image.   

January 11th, 2008

What Do You Have To Say? - Ready For My Close-Up? @ 12:42 am

How do you respond when someone asks to take your picture?

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January 10th, 2008

(no subject) @ 07:55 am

Current Mood: pensive pensive
Current Music: Any Enya song

  I have been added as friend to another member !   With my idle and boring life, that's major news, dudes.
I've known the person for many yrs. and watched her grown to a mature, creative, and  kind soul.  Insane,  but who isn't these days?!    A dysfunctional family but I have one too so we're kindred friends.  Actually, I consider her as family...a second dgt.   Dont' worry, first born, you still very special to me....just in case you're reading my latest adventure.  
As you surmise, I don't have many friends.  I have 2 dear friends who and hold a dear spot in m heart.  I strongly believe it's not the quantity but the quality of friendships that matter.  
Been in Florida for a month now.  Spending winter here to access if I want to relocate in next 2-3 yrs.  It's not NY with its multitude of sights and sounds.  Endless places to see like museums, Broadway plays, exhibitions; restaurants and eating establishments galore.  Will I miss NY?  In many ways I would.  I was born in H.K. but raised in Manhattan and therefore was exposed to the hectic NYC's lifestyle.  Didn't became a suburban hermit until early 80's.  I like the peaceful and slower pace in upper NY.  But I'm also torn between the two lifestyles; each having their pros and cons.  Florida is populated, in the area I'm visiting and might relocate, with elderly  citizens who retired and found another place to spend their golden years.  
I'm contemplating baptism.   Attended a Lutheran church growing up but left the church after several years.  I believe in God but not a well-versed or knowledgable Christian.  As I matured, I became more spiritual.  Prayers and a stronger belief has helped me through difficult times.   
Didn't I warn you that my posts will be boring and nothing to say but blah, blah, blah ?!  Dismiss this entry as just another bad reading material that will instantly erase from your conscience.  
Oh, I just had desperate urge to venture to the bathroom because I take water pill.  Business accomplished and all seem well.  Now, was that newsworthy?!  I think so. 

January 8th, 2008

In front or behind the camera? @ 03:33 am

I much rather shoot behind the camera.  I have an introverted personality.  Vividly recalled that I volunteered for part of non-speaking American-Indian role in a Christopher Columbus Day play in grade school.  Felt my face flushed and scared out of my mind !  And during Sunday school choirs/singing occasions, I again blushed and thought I was going to faint. 
I like the creative production of camera work.  Acting or front camera assignments would be totally out of the question.  
Maybe to redeem my grade school embarrassment, I could direct a Columbus Day play and be very empathetic with the poor soul who will stand in the back row.   

What Do You Have To Say? - To Shoot or Be Shot? @ 03:28 am

Do you like being behind the camera or in front of the camera?

Blah Blah Blah and Then Some

Sanity Is Overrated